Did your parents tell you about The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus? Did they serve up these characters for you as if they were real? Imagine what it’s like to be a child and find out these are all lies. Maybe we think are doing children a favor creating a make-believe world. But sooner or later they will learn of the deception.
I think, but am not quite sure, that I gave my kids (three sons) these as stories…fiction, but fun. Growing up is hard enough without having to figure out when something is real and when it isn’t. Life is tricky.
Are we always there for our kids? I’d like to think so, but the truth is we are human beings and we make mistakes and fall short sometimes. I know I have. In my heart of hearts I always wanted to be the best mom in the world, full of energy, knowledge, patience, kindness and able to care for my kids even when I was exhausted from work and suffering from the trials life handed me.
My boys are grown men now and my hope is they appreciate what kind of a mother I was/am. The things I learned along the way are valuable to me. I not only learned about how-to-parent (sometimes successfully); I learned a lot about myself, my belief system, my shortcomings, and what I was ultimately capable of.
As a mother and a teacher I learned a lot about the stages that kids go through. I remember taking a developmental psychology class before I became a teacher, but AFTER I had mostly finished the mothering of my young children. All I could think of was, “Why wasn’t I taught these things before I became a parent?” It would have been a lot easier and maybe I could have avoided a lot of heartache for them and for me. Being a parent may be a joy, but parenting can be painful and difficult.
You have to take a driver’s test before you can drive. Most people get a lot of education before beginning their professional careers, be it as a mechanic, engineer, plumber, attorney, whatever. But you don’t have any formal training for the toughest job you’ll ever have. Why is this? It doesn’t make any sense to me.
As for those teen-age years, one thing I know is that teen-agers are still children in their hearts. I believe that they want to be seen as grown up, but they also miss their childhood when they could be carefree—when they did not have a lot of responsibility and they didn’t know about the sometimes evil ways of the world.
When I taught high school I worked with 150 students a day. Teen-agers, every one of them. And I loved (almost) every single minute being with them. They wanted to be respected. They wanted to learn. Maybe they didn’t like the subject I taught (English), and they didn’t come to me with a burning desire to read all those books I required them to read. (I would be kidding myself if I didn’t admit some of them did not read those books.)
But we grew together and learned to love each other and at least some of what I presented in my English class. I cherish my memories of their excellent senses of humor and their abilities to let some things roll off their backs. They survived in the crazy world of high school. Well done, students!
Many people think teen-agers are all about caring only about external appearances, experimenting with sex, drugs and alcohol, and pulling away from authority. Sure it is a time when they are focused on their looks, their peer groups, and they may experiment and make some bad decisions. Who as an adolescent can say they didn’t? Adolescence is a time of disorientation as well as discovery. These young people are working to claim an identity that fits their ideal at a time when they don’t have a lot of personal experience in what adults term “the real world.”
Most of my students, at least 90% of them, were polite to me, showed respect to each other in my presence, loved to banter with me and were quick to laugh at themselves (and me). We managed to navigate some pretty difficult times together—the AIDS epidemic, 9/11, school shootings, and earthquakes, among other tough challenges. If they were willing, and many of them were, a lot of learning happened in the subject I taught (or was trying to teach). Teen-agers are not to be feared. They need boundaries for sure, but they need safe ways to push those boundaries as well.
My musings about dealing with kids wouldn’t be complete without three more tidbits:
- Don’t be afraid to tell children the truth. They’ll appreciate you for it.
- And don’t be afraid to keep them accountable.
- Strive to keep yourself accountable too, so you don’t become one of those “Do as I say, not as I do” adults.
My first year teaching–6th grade!
Me with some of my high school girls.
I’m longing for the day when the “elders” can download their life experience to the young ones, who may file it where they think it belongs and have those reference points as their own decisions roll into their fields of vision. That may advance the pace of generational corrections.
There’s so many lessons I don’t think I was exposed to, but wish that I had been. Even so, my ego would likely have buffered much of it out, most of it really. A download would be much better, properly formatted:)
And, there’s so many I wish I could pass on. Try as I might, there’s still all that buffering and filtering…and then there’s the small opportunities overall.
And, it was ever thus. But, maybe not for always.
Keep on musing Suze